Grudges and Feeling Unimportant

 Date: March 24, 2025

    In December 2024, I put a couple of notes on Facebook stating that I would be leaving at the end of the year.  People asked me not to leave, said they'd want to stay in touch, exchanged emails with me.

    Well, here we are at the end of March and no one has bothered to email me.  I figured that someone would have reached out with "Hey, how are you?" but no. No one has bothered. I haven't emailed them because I feel if someone truly cares about me, they would make the effort.   So yeah, I hold grudges. 

    When Jessica, my cousin, was pregnant with her first kid, she removed my sister and I from her account (unfriended us) and said it was because she didn't have time for Facebook. When I heard that, it bothered me that she'd keep her friends and not family but I didn't let it bother me - at first.  When I learned she kept Lorne and Michael on her Facebook (Uncle Rob's boys) I was very hurt by it.  I have made zero effort to keep up with her.  I think I've sent her a Christmas or birthday card twice; but other than that - nothing. I didn't even call her when mom passed.  I figured Aunt Kathy would tell her.

    See, I want to be loved. I want to be cared for.  If you cannot make the effort to talk to me; then I don't see the point in wasting my time to reach out to you. I want people to WANT to talk to me.  You know, the ones that go "wow, I really miss you. I'd love to be in touch" and then write me to say "Hey, I was thinking of you. How are things?"

    My thumb has pretty much healed now, though it's still very sensitive on top where I had cut the piece off. The nail has pretty much grown back now, which is nice. It doesn't look so ... freaky... now. I hope it stops being overly sensitive some time.  It's kind of annoying. lol

    My right foot has been sore lately at the top of my foot.  I don't know why. It makes walking painful and sometimes my foot shoots pain through me. I have no idea what I did or why it hurts.  Nope, I won't go to a doctor for it.  I hate doctors and I can't be bothered with them.  I'll just let it go and hope it improves some time.

    I have started building up my savings again. I got my refund for the 2024 tax season in and the vast majority ($2000) went into savings.  So far, I haven't used any of it - Oh.. but I will tomorrow when I go get my hair cut.  I'll probably have to use some in a week or two when I take the car to Ricky Ratchets for the oil change.  Last time, Rick said that I should have the air filter done the next time I come in.  So this oil change is going to cost more.  I need to remember to bring the coupons I have from Rick for it; so that'll take a bit off the cost.  Oh well.  I need to keep the car up-to-date on service because I can't afford a new one.

    I can't believe 3 months of the year are gone. I'm anxiously awaiting warmer weather.  We had a couple weeks were the weather was warm.  One day even reached 20C!   But last night it snowed and today is supposed to see a rain/snow mix.  Bleh.  Come on hot weather! 

    I'm hoping Ken will decide to come visit me soon.  I'm missing him. I can't afford to go to the USA right now, and with Trump's Bullshit (wanting to annex Canada and make it American, slapping tariffs on Canadian goods, forcing Canadians to be fingerprinted and to register if going to be in the USA for more than 30 days, etc) I don't want to go to the USA. It makes far more sense for Ken to come here.  It's cheaper (no hotel for him) and his money is better (Canadian dollar is tanking - $1CDN equals $0.70 USD!)  Bleh!

Disaster!

Date:  March 1, 2025

Well, my day has just started in a disaster!  I got up and started to get ready for work.  I made up some toast, put some granola on a yogurt cup and grabbed my pop and boiled egg.  The toast came up and I buttered it, and then went to the cupboard to grab a plate for said toast when the cupboard came crashing off the wall!!!  My dishes all crashed to the floor, most of them breaking, and the cupboard is hanging there by.... I dunno what.

Obviously, the person who renovated this unit prior to my moving in did some shoddy work and failed to properly anchor the cupboard.  I called Brian (my contractor) and he's going to come over today and see if he can start to get it anchored for me.  I'm guessing it's going to take a bit to get it finished.  He said "I'll come over and see if I can start to get it anchored for you."   So I suspect that it'll take a few applications or visits or something.  Brian will come in today while I'm at work to check it out.  He's also going to nail down the molding (or whatever it's called) by my balcony door for me.

The year 2025 is not going well for me.  End of January, I cut the edge of my thumb off. February I deal with the healing thumb. March 1st my cupboard crashes down.  I want to cry right now. I feel so.... I dunno.   I guess this is not going to be my year.

[Update: Brian did fix my cabinet and it's beautiful. He glued my molding down, so that's good too. The other cabinet over my stove is loose; but I've removed everything out of it and Brian said it'll be fine if I don't put anything into it. He said he thinks my other cupboards are fine, so that's a relief. ]

 

DATE:  February 13, 2025

TRUMP

    I don't understand why no one is stopping Donald Trump. He is absolutely delusional! He is waging war on CANADA and no one seems to see that.  It starts with tariffs against our goods, designed to ruin our economy, and then he thinks he can waltz in and take over MY COUNTRY and make it a US State.

    He has sided with Vladimir Putin on the war in the Ukraine saying he is going "to end the war" - but he's planning on giving Russia and Putin what he wanted (or close to that).  He's decided to take over the Gaza strip.  People just sit back and go  "yeah, it's cool! He's going to make America Great Again!".  I just don't understand why people are not seeing through his visage.  He has done 65 Executive Orders since taking office (January 20 to February 13, 2025 is the time period).  It's just insane.

MOM

    Today would have been mom's 75th birthday. It's been almost 4 years since she passed and I still find myself shocked (for lack of a better word/expression) that she is no longer here. Mom was always a staple in my life; and now I no longer have that.  It's so strange.  I miss her so much.

WINTER

    I am so sick of winter.  We've had nothing but snow and storms lately.  We had a big one last night, and more snow is expected to come this week.  I'm so ready for spring! I need a break from this.

MY GUY

    I am hoping that my guy can find a time/way to come visit me soon.  I am starting to lose my mind a little bit.  The depression is taking hold of me.  I need some quality time with him.

 MY THUMB

    On January 20th I cut the edge of my right thumb off on the slicer at work. Thankfully it wasn't too deep - no bones damaged and no real tissue damage.  It was a "deep tissue wound" that has healed very well over the past couple of weeks.  I am still wearing a bandage on my thumb to protect it; but it's looking really good.  This week I returned to full duties at work.  I had been doing modified duties after hurting it.  The hospital and surgeon had wanted me to take two weeks off since it was my dominant hand, but work did not want to pay the WSIB premium to allow me to stay off work and forced me back.  It is nice to be back doing regular stuff again, though. I felt rather useless the last two weeks.  The surgeon said on Monday when I went back for my reassessment that he thinks my thumb should be fully healed in another couple of weeks.  We'll see if it will grow back my thumb nail and look normal again. It is looking promising though.

Tired of the "We Stole Their Land" Rhetoric I keep seeing

 Date: January 30, 2025

    Every time you turn around nowadays, someone brings up the argument that Canada is built on "stolen land".  People say we "stole land from the Indigenous".  No one has shown, to my knowledge, any kind of paperwork or deeds that shows the Indigenous own the particular land that's being questioned.  The consensus is that "they were here first".   Yeah, I'm sorry, but that does not depict ownership.  Show me the deeds that said they owned the land.

    I don't care who "settled first" - be it Indigenous peoples, or European Settlers from back in the day.  Back then, people went to a body of land and found a location and settled upon it.  There were no deeds or titles, so therefore, no one "owned" the land.

    I am sick and tired of people saying we owe the Indigenous. I'm sick of the talk of how "they were slaughtered". What about the white European settlers who were trying to settle on new land that the Indigenous "slaughtered"?  No one cares about what happened to the white people.

    I wish people would understand how progress works, that we have moved beyond the point of going on to a plot of land and staking claim. There is a process of how it works these days; and that is what we should be focusing on - period.  If there is a title land deed that says the land belongs to X, then Y should not be allowed or able to question the ownership. It should be simply "sorry, the deed says X owns it. You can speak with X to see if they wish to sell the ownership to you, but otherwise, ownership stands with X".   "But we were here first!!" uh.. that's not a valid argument in 2025.  Who settled first stopped mattering the moment land ownership deeds became a thing.

    Time to move on people. Time to grow up. Time to stop being so damned entitled.

January Woes - 2025 starting off rough

 Date: January 25, 2025

    So the year 2025 has started off pretty rough for me. On January 2025, I managed to slice the corner of my thumb off on the slicer at work. I have been to the hospital and to receive the plastic surgeon. Thankfully I don't have to have any surgery but the negative part is there forcing me back to work as of Monday the 27th. Both the hospital and the surgeon suggested that I take time off for a while to get my hand to heal. The hospital put a note of 14 plus days off in order to heal my hand. The plastic surgeon agreed with that because it is my right hand which I am right hand dominant so they want to make sure that I don't smack it or hurt it somehow. When I explain that to work I was told that the longer I am on WSIB, the higher the premiums go for them.

    So basically, work is telling me that they don't care about my hand or my health and all they care about is the money that goes out for the premiums for the Workers' Compensation Insurance. Although they're giving me light modified duties, going back to work early has me worried because I know that I'm probably going to bang my hand while working, and I want to make sure that my hand heals. I'm going to give it a try on Monday, but if things don't work well or I feel uncomfortable, I'm going to bite the bullet and I'm going to tell Tracy just to put me on vacation for my follow-up appointment. Either way you want to look at it, work has screwed me out of money. First they cancelled my workers comp because they want to force me back to work with light duties. And then if I can't do the job that they expect me to do due to the problem with my thumb, I'm going to be forced to go on vacation and that's going to mean I get zero pay.

    On top of all of this, I have been dealing with some depression lately. I already deal with very low self-esteem. And now I find myself sitting here looking at my injured hand and wondering how the hell I was so stupid to allow myself to get hurt like that. I suppose part of it was due to the fact that my mind was elsewhere. The day before my car had died at work and I was looking at needing to have to have a new battery. I had called to CAA to come tow my car and take it over to Ricky ratchets so that they could repair what was probably a battery. I was doing prep at work and thinking about how CAA was coming, and about the work that would need to be done on the car. When I was slicing the tomatoes, for some reason I do not understand, I reached out with my right hand to hold the plate down rather than the left hand I usually do. So when I shifted my hand, my phone got in the way and that's when it connected with the blade.

    The one good thing that happened out of this injury, is the fact that I was given a sign that Mom is watching over me. When I had hurt my hand at work and I was getting ready to go home Dianne helping me get ready. I got my jacket on and she took my hot and put it on my head, pull it down over my face and then pushed it back so that my face was exposed. She then said "Oh there she is!" and I heard my mom. That was such a mom thing to say. It let me realise that my mom knows that I loved her and that I cared for her until the very end. She does not hold any grudge against me, or died thinking I hated her. I know that my mom is at peace, and I know that she is watching over me.

    Hopefully in February when I go see the doctor, I will find that everything is healed properly and that I will be back to normal more or less. I also hope that the rest of my year can pick up. I had great plans to get my finances back in order. I had planned to rebuild my savings that I have gone through, and be able to get back to where I was. The situation with my hand has thrown a bit of a wrench into that. I've missed one week of pay, though I hope that workers comp will pay for part of that anyway. I have had to spend the money on cabs to get to and from the hospital, which comes out of my savings. And now with this stuff going on with my hand, I'm thinking of telling them I need that 2 weeks off to get myself healed, which means no pay for me and another dipping into my savings.

    At the end of December I left Facebook. I was sick with the way of the Facebook was behaving, and I was sick of the treatment of the people on Facebook. But I have to admit, that I actually miss being there. I miss having updates from my friends, a place to write my thoughts or my feelings down, and just a general sense of not being alone. I made a decision when I close my Facebook that if I decide to return, it will be under a different name. I won't use Cheri Foster. I may use CL Foster for a new Facebook if I decide to open it, or maybe I'll just do something different. I thought of maybe doing something with my mother's maiden name and putting that as my last name and then picking a different name. Maybe I'll do CL Mitchell or Lyn Mitchell to incorporate the name. For now though, I'm just going to stick to being alone.    

    So I guess we'll see what the rest of the year holds for me. Honestly my hope is pretty bleak.